Old People Shit: CRS

 

Getting older means I can’t remember anything anymore, which in turn means the chance I’ll stop talking mid-sentence and stare into space for an awkward period of time is not zero. So if I’m talking and suddenly fall silent and you look at me, and it’s like gazing into the eye of a chicken…that means the computer in my head is buffering while it figures out its next command.

To be honest, though it HAS gotten worse with age, my superpower has always been forgetting what I’m doing while I’m doing it. So it might be a little harder for the people close to me to tell when my cheese actually does begin to slide off my crackers. At some point, I’m pretty sure my life is going to consist of wandering in circles from room to room scratching my head and farting and mumbling, “Fuck…what the hell was I about to do?” I'm dangerously close to that now. I consulted Dr. Google about this, and he tells me I have a classic case of CRS (Can't Remember Shit).

I’m on the trifecta of old people medications--blood sugar, cholesterol, and blood pressure--but one thing I haven’t started taking is something for my memory, even though God knows I could use it. I don’t know…am I the only one who thinks that seems like some questionable shit?

I think most people have seen the ads for Prevagen. But if you haven’t because you’ve been hiding in your spider hole since 2020 hoarding toilet paper without a TV, it’s an over-the-counter supplement that’s supposed to enhance brain health. The main ingredient is something that “was originally discovered in jellyfish”. What the...? Anybody else wonder how THAT came about? I want to know who the scientist was that first saw a jellyfish float by and thought “That fellow is destined for MENSA. We must cut him up and find out what makes him tick”.

You also hear all the time that “60 is the new 40”. If that’s the case, would somebody please let my body know? Because when I was 40, I could get up in the morning without waddling like a duck for the first twenty steps and without my knees sounding like a goat munching on a tin can. My other superpower these days is feeling like I just lost an MMA fight when all I actually did was walk from the bed to the bathroom. Parts of me hurt now that I didn’t even know I had when I was 40. I can sit and read for an hour and need a trip to the chiropractor afterwards.

Now if I could only remember where his office is…